I have never enjoyed watching football. Yet I am not here to offer justification for my distaste for professional sports, but rather for one particular professional athlete’s supporter: namely, the dreaded creature known as the Tim Tebow Fan.
The question on everyone’s minds is, naturally: Why do hipstercons emit such disdain for the glorified miracle worker, Tebow, and his devoted fans? To wit: it is the thought that yesterday, while many humans were starved, butchered, crushed, oppressed–and none of them were my personal enemies, dammit!–God took time out of his busy schedule to help the Broncos win victory through the arm of his anointed servant, Tim Tebow.
Surely the works of the LORD are wondrous and mighty; by his servant Tebow he hath wrought victory for the Broncos in overtime.
For the LORD hath raised Tebow up, and proclaimed him chosen among all football players.
Tebow fans merit such condemnation because they neglect to consider the problem of evil. Evil exists, and it often prospers. Good exists, and is often crushed. Pointing to the good Christian’s success as an example of God’s favor (thus demonstrating God’s existence, etc.) is sure to backfire: indeed, self-identified Christians who revel in Tebow’s success should probably refer back to the Gospels that they and their favorite athlete profess to believe in. When asked about the victims of a collapsing tower, and if those crushed under the weight of circumstance were being punished by God, Christ did not only dispel this notion, he told his followers that if they did not repent, they too would surely perish. Cease looking for God’s favor in mere chance; instead, tend to your own souls.
The failure of Tebow fans to recognize the problem of evil and chance is doubly annoying because the stakes are so very low: a mere football game, an entertainment, is enough to divine the favor of the gods, it seems. Divination hasn’t gone anywhere; we still cast lots to find the gods’ favor. Only now, we use a football.
And he rose from his knee in the endzone, and lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a Super Bowl trophy, and lighting upon him:
And lo, a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Tebow, in whom I am well pleased.
Then was he led up to the ESPN studio, to be interviewed of sports journalists.
In short, why is it wrong to be a Tebow fan? Because, when your theology cannot stand up to the nuanced distinction of a Saturday Night Live skit, you have forfeited your right to ask that question.