How to fix 2016 in 5 easy steps

As an ancient Roman frog has so truly said, 2016 is the Flight 93 election, which calls for desperate measures. Here is The Hipster Conservative‘s audacious plan to salvage what’s left of this year and our republic.

  1. Replace Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on the Republican and Democratic tickets with their daughters, Ivanka and Chelsea. This way, we will be guaranteed our first female, Jewish, and Millennial president, no matter which way the election goes.
  2. Liquidate the Clinton Foundation and distribute its assets to local branches of Catholic Charities.
  3. Liquidate Donald Trump’s real estate assets. After settling with all creditors, use whatever remains to transform Guantanamo Bay into a gold-plated luxury golf resort with no cell phone or internet access.
  4. Banish Donald and Hillary (and preferably Bill Clinton too) to Guantanamo Bay for life. Melania can choose whether to go or not. Offer President Obama lifetime visiting privileges with a dedicated residential suite and golf membership, on the condition that he abandon any future political career.
  5. Appoint A.M. Juster permanent Poet Laureate.

Elegy for a Daughter of the State

How were you born, my lonely Julia?
Delivered from a surrogate’s young womb?
Anonymously fathered by a cypher
To fill a sterile couple’s nursery room?
Did gloved attendants offer you the bottle?
Did foreign nannies tend your early years?
Your loving parents hired out your childhood
So they could focus on their own careers.

As soon as you could walk, you went to daycare,
Learning, too young, the pattern of your days
Which was to be, until death or retirement,
Peregrination; dawn-to-dusk malaise.
Rhythm of drudgery and entertainment,
Assessments to ensure your fitting-in;
Programs to prepare you for a future
Free of failure, fear, sickness, or sin. Continue reading Elegy for a Daughter of the State